Brother Irvine Kinneas
by Aquila Hawk
Summary: Irvine has finally given up being a "ladies man" for the simple life of a monk. Watch the antics fly as he tries to silently make his way through the life in a monastary. Writen in response to a challange.


Brother Irvine Kinneas   
  
  
  


You know what? I'm no ladies man. I mean really, who would want to date a guy who wears chaps and a cowboy hat in a world without the wild west? I haven't even seen the mild east. So I decided to follow my calling, damn it! "I'm becoming a monk!"

"Yes, I think we covered that topic, Brother Irvine," Monseigneur Welcsh said to me. Nice guy, not all that exciting, but he fits in with the scenery. His ways were simple, prayer, song, and tending to the poor. It was a life I was willing to follow.

"Oh, sorry. I was thinking out loud again," I said while feeling like a total idiot. Here I was, about to make a life changing decision work out, and I sounded like Laguna in front of a beautiful woman. Hey, at least my leg didn't cramp up.

"That is quite alright. Deciding to join a monastery is a major undertaking. I no doubt assume that you are stressed out about it." Monseigneur Welcsh's words relaxed me. His tone of voice was soothing, but solid and strong. It was like they could hold me on my feet. "Why don't I show you around, Brother Irvine."

"Sure," I said, allowing myself to follow in the Monseigneur's wake.

"As you can see, the monastery is set up in the shape of a cross with a courtyard for meditation in the center," Monseigneur Welcsh said as he pointed in the direction of a garden in the middle of the building. I was a little worried that it was going to be too cold here, but the Monseigneur did not. "If you're worried about heat, we have Ifrit here to keep things warm. Oh and Leviathan is pretty good about watering the plants." Sure enough, Leviathan was in the courtyard watering the garden with a hose that he held with his mouth. It really didn't make sense to me, I mean water is his element. But then again, he would probably flood the place off its foundation. I've seen it happen before in Balmb. That was the last time we let Zell and the guardian force get together. Well, Leviathan saw me walk by and waved with his tail fin. It was a little odd, but then again, I've seen flying seven mile high buildings over Esthar... Well one, but it was creepy enough.

"Do you have a lot of Guardian Forces on staff?" I asked. I really did want to know how many there were, because me and Cerberus never got along, Carbunkle was a jerk, and Doomtrain tried to run me over. Ok, now I need to calm down. In with the good breath, out with the bad breath... hmm... Maybe that's why I couldn't pick up. Hell, it explains why Marlboro's flock around me. Hmm... is flock the right word for plants? ...? Well, I digress.

"No, only those two, but sometimes Bahamut comes around to pray." I was really relieved with Monseigneur Welcsh's reply. I didn't have a problem with Bahamut, but it must be a pain in the wings to come all the way over here from the old lab in the south seas. The Monseigneur continued to walk the halls, and I followed. "Here in the north section of the Monastery is the chapel. Morning song is at 7:00 AM every morning. Now to the left are our quarters, and to the right are quarters for those who need shelter." The Monseigneur turned around and pointed back to where I came in. "Over in the south section is the dinning room and kitchen. The meals are set after each mass. All our food is grown on this land, and the surplus is given to the needy. Remember this, if a child comes with an empty belly, make sure they have there fill." Again, his words found a place in my heart and warmed it. I felt ready to go out and do what the Great Hyne put me on this earth to do. "Now that I have shown you around, you will have to take your vow of silence for the next three years. The only time you may speak is in worship and once a year when you will be allowed to speak two words to me. Do you understand?"

"Yes I do," I said with a smile. Not talking would be interesting. I could pretend I'm Squall for once. No... wait... I feel like being around other people, so scratch that. I'll be like Ward then... no wait. That could cause problems in wor... "OW!" I yelled, interrupted from my thoughts by a swift ruler strike to my hand.

"Apparently you don't understand," Monseigneur Welcsh said, amused with himself. "No talking for now on." I nodded, so I wouldn't get hit again. The Monseigneur looked a bit surprised. "Wow, fast learner. You're a first. Well then, I welcome you to the Sorceress Pius X the Third Monastery. I will have Brother Adam show you to your quarters." I turned when I heard footsteps behind us. Standing behind was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. About 5'7", 110 pounds, great smile, and... I realized I was day dreaming again. Damn! And that was a good one. Well Brother Adam was shaking my shoulder trying to break me from my gaze.

"Brother Irvine, are you alright?" Brother Adam asked. Relieved that it was a 'yes or no' question, I silently nodded... after waking up of course. "Good, let me show you your quarters." Brother Adam brought me to my quarters. Nice room, for a mediaeval castle with ancient Centra plumbing. "If you need anything, I'm three doors down." Hmm... good band... ...? I digressed again didn't I? Well Brother Adam left me to become adjusted to my new room. Hey, at least my bed looks comfortable. ...Well looks can be deceiving. Damn! This bed is as hard as Zell's head! And that's no compliment to the bed. Oh well, I'll get used to it.

  
  


It's been four months and I haven't gotten used to this Hyne damned bed! Damn it, my back really hurts. I don't think I have gotten more then ten hours of sleep... last night. ...Ok, I don't get more then eight hours of sleep a night, but that's because of the monastery's ways. Well other then my bed, everything's been great. I really feel I found my calling. Monseigneur Welcsh put me on farming detail and my first job was to plant seeds. I know, going from working with SeeD to planting them. Anyway, I was doing great, until someone pointed out that spreading seeds with a twenty-four gauge shotgun was not the best way to grow a good crop. So, I'm off of that. For the past three months, I've been running the tractor, which is a much better job for me. And hey, my shotgun seeds sprouted. Unfortunately, they were the wrong crop in the wrong field. So how was I supposed to know you can't grow corn and acorn squash in the same field. I always heard they grow well together, especially with beans. Oops.

  
  


Well, I've been here for a year now, and my bed hasn't gotten any better. My back was really killing me. I mean every night, I have a night cap of aspirin and ibuprofen with my bran flakes in the morning. Hell, a massage from Sacred and Minotaur would feel good now, and they suck at it. Well, at least I was finally going to get a chance to say something to Monseigneur Welcsh. I thought it would be worth while to use my words to maybe get better bed. I know, using my first chance to speak freely in a year, and I'm complaining. But this is really getting on my nerves, and the worst part is that I'm being literal.

I went to go see the Monseigneur in the courtyard garden. We walked around a little before he spoke. "You have adjusted nicely, Irvine. Personable, faithful, and the choir director has done nothing but sing your praises." I know what he sounded like a bad pun, and he did mean it that way. "Everyone here loves you like a brother." Again, he meant it as a pun. He was full of them today for some reason. "Now, you are allowed to speak your words."

"Thank you," I said before catching myself.

Monseigneur Welcsh immediately responded with, "You're quite welcome. Well look at the time. Gotta run, see you next year."

Now that was my worst fear; that that would happen. Thankfully it didn't. So I summoned up the courage and began to speak carefully. "Bed's hard."

The Monseigneur looked at me and thought for a moment. "Yeah, you might have gotten one of the old ones that we had to get rid of. It was horrible. We started using them as a replacement for sheet rock." I found that kind of hard to believe, but only because it's a stone building. There's no sheet rock anywhere, but then again, why would he lie. "We'll have that mess straightened up in no time. Now, why didn't you say something earlier?" Geez, everyone's a comedian.

  
  


Ah! A soft bed at last. It feels like little puffs of air held up by angel wings. ... ... ...? ...! Ignore that last part! I didn't say that, umm... someone else did... Yeah... Squall's just picking on me, that's it! Anyway, I was finally able to ditch my collection of pain killers, and have finally gotten a good night's sleep. Nice and refreshed.

Well the good old farming season started up again, back to good old Bluie the tractor. Yes, damn it, we named the tractor. Then a sad thing happened about a month ago, Bluie died. Zell showed me a few things about repairing engines before I joined the monastery, but this was way beyond my abilities. So we gave it a traditional Hyneken burial, complete with beer served out of green bottles and cans shaped like kegs. We were dead in the water for a while without a tractor, but a man that the monastery once helped donated a brand new one. He felt that he owed us and the Great Hyne for his success. It really made me feel good inside that we were able to change someone's life in such a profound way. It really made me feel that what I was doing was good and right. So we had a whole ceremony blessing the new tractor and the man who donated it to us. Then more beer in green bottles and cans shaped like kegs.

Everything was going smoothly until late December. Ifrit came back from a summoning practically steaming. ...Wait, he's a fire Guardian Force, he's always steaming. Well he was mad, REAL mad. Apparently, he and Squall exchanged some 'words' and Ifrit vowed to never listen to a SeeD ever again. He then told off Monseigneur Welcsh and left the monastery. I don't know why he got so upset with us, but he left us with a major problem. It was winter and he kept the heat working. By 'kept the heat working' I mean he WAS the heat. All the Brothers had to scramble to get the fires burning and then thaw out Leviathan, who at the time looked like a frozen sea food entree from a convenience store. I had to junction with Leviathan just so I could use his recover ability on him. It was not a great week for us. At least we learned how to build a fire that would last through the night. That was always important.

  
  


Well, year two has passed and once again I got my chance to speak to Monseigneur Welcsh. Now explain this to me, how is spring supposed to be cold? It was April, and I was freezing my ass off. We already had four ice storms that week and to cap it off, Ifrit never came back. Damn it! He was probably nice and warm and cozy in his little fire pit at the end of his little cavern of Hell. I never thought that I would be saying this as a monk, but I wished I was in his little cavern of Hell. I mean, it never gets below one-hundred twenty degrees in there. Hell, just talking about it made me feel warmer.

Because of the ice out in the courtyard, and around the courtyard, and in the corridors leading to the courtyard, and... ok, let's just say the only place there wasn't ice was in the ice trays. Anyway, the Monseigneur and I went to the chapel instead. Ok, so the chapel was warm...er, but not enough. Once again circumstance pretty much told me what my two words would be. So, the Monseigneur and I were sitting in the chapel. For a moment, we left each other in silent prayer, but Monseigneur Welcsh broke the silence. "It has been two excellent years for you, Brother Irvine. In another year, your vow of silence will come to an end and you will be a full fledged monk in Pius X the Third. And you've done it without resorting to using a silence spell." Grrr! Why didn't I think of that! "You are truly an inspiration to us all. Now you are allowed your two words."

"Hey thanks!" I said impatiently before realizing I wasted my words.

"So gracious as to use your time for selfishness in the name of selflessness," Monseigneur Welcsh said with a great big smile on his face.

I really have to stop thinking about the worse case scenario before it happens. "Too cold," I said, for real this time. Not some fearful delusion I keep having.

"You and me both," Monseigneur Welcsh said with a shiver. "But the new boiler will be up and running by tomorrow, so sit tight and stay as warm as possible." AHHH! I forgot about the new boiler, I could have said the 'hey thanks' after all. Now I look selfish. "Your concern for your health and the health of your brothers is truly noble, Brother Irvine." Okay, maybe I don't look so selfish.

  
  


It finally got warm again, then we found out that Shiva was responsible for our extended winter, and pissing off Ifrit. The bitch planned it from the start! Apparently she was insulted when Monseigneur Welcsh turned her down as the refrigeration expert for the Monastery. Everyone, everywhere, knows that Shiva is the best when it comes to cold. However, the job required the expert to live in the Monastery and women are not allowed to live in the Monastery's dormitory area. Well we found out, and she immediately stopped and apologized. Monseigneur Welcsh was very forgiving to her, more then I could ever be. He forgave, blessed, and sent Shiva on her way.

  
  


Unfortunately, the frosting on the fields ended very late in the planting season. I don't know if we will be able to harvest before the next killing frost. Well with hope, faith, and the Great Hyne's blessing, we will be able to have enough food to get us through the winter. Now back on Blue Two; yes we named the tractor again; I was ready to get those fields up turned and growing as soon as possible. That's what we did, we grew crops. We were lucky this year, and we were back on track. Everything was running smooth. Well... not everything. December came around and we got a visit from a Sorceress. Unfortunately, I know the only Sorceress alive.

  
  


"Irvine!" Rinoa exclaimed when she grappled onto me. Oh how I wish I could talk now. I mean I waved when she let go of me, but it's not the same. "Hey! Why aren't you talking to me?" She angrily asked me and gave me the coldest look anyone has ever given me. And when I say cold, I mean I had icicles hanging from my eyes, literally. I swear, at that moment she looked just like Ultimecia... Nah, just my imagination.

"Hyne's Descendent, you grace us with your presence," Monseigneur Welcsh said while he snuck up on me. I was still a little iced over as he eyed me. "You know, it doesn't help when you freeze the monks still in their vows of silence." I nodded with a shiver, while flakes of ice fell off my neck and face.

Rinoa looked at me with wide eyes in surprise. "Irvine! I'm so sorry!" she said as apologetically as she could. All I could do was give an icy thumbs up.

Well after warming up, we talked... well she talked. I just nodded and smiled. Well, it is all I can do. Only a few more months and I can speak normally again. Although, I feel that I have gained a new perspective on life in my silence and have grown closer the Great Hyne's vision. ...I got of topic again.

"Well, I came here to say that Squall proposed to me and I accepted." Awww, good for the both of you. Now if only I could say that. "We're planning a June wedding. ...Well, I'm planning a June wedding. Squall just sits there and says 'whatever' to the wedding planner. I'll break him yet." Ah, good old predictable Squall. Who else can sum up his feelings into the catch phrase of Generation X? "Anyway, Selphie sends her best wishes and wanted to tell you that she hooked up with Nida." Selphie has a boyfriend and one that's barely even noticed? Ok, so he pilots the Garden, but no one ever realizes that. "Zell and Lucia are planning to get married around the same time as me and Squall." Who's Lucia? I think Rinoa saw that I had no clue who she's talking about. "You remember the girl from the library with the pigtails, don't you?" Oh yeah, she's nice. Well I nodded after realizing that I never knew her name. "Hell, even Seifer and Quistis have gotten together." Never saw that one coming. "That just leaves you, Irvine... Well, it's been nice chatting with you. I'll have to drop by again sometime." And she left. Damn, she's right. I'm doomed to die alone. I'll never know what true love is by just sitting around here.

  
  


And that leads up to now. Three years have passed since I came here, and I have been able to reflect on a lot in my life, both then and now. I mean, yeah, I came here because I gave up on finding love. Sure my approach resembled that of a crashing meteor... Oops, wrong game reference... But this whole time, I was just looking for someone to share my life with. Sure I love it here in Pious X the Third. I am in communion with my fellow men of faith. I'm doing good works in the Great Hyne's name. But, I was alone. Something stuck with me that day Rinoa visited, besides the head cold I got from her icy glare. Everyone else had someone to share there life with at such a deep level. I just wished it didn't take joining a monastery to make me realize that. Well, my final review with Monseigneur Welcsh is today, and I know what I need to say. No more fears jumping before my words. No more wise cracks from the Monseigneur, I hope. I was going to say what was on my mind.

"So three years have passed now, Irvine. You have made it through your vow of silence, and quite admirably," Monseigneur Welcsh said as we walked the exact same path we walked when I had joined. The same familiar sights popped up as I both followed the Monseigneur's path and reminisced back to that day. Hell, Leviathan was watering the plants with that same old hose. Still never got why he doesn't just use his powers at low level. "Not only have you grown in faith, but you manner with the needy is truly amazing. Your contributions resemble that of monks who have lived here most of their lives. It would be a great honor to me if I could train you to be the Monseigneur to replace myself when I retire."

I was honored that he thinks so highly of me. So much so, that I'm kind of reconsidering. No, I only came here because I was running away. I was never successful in love, so I went to where I could hide from it. This monastery was not a safe haven, but a brick wall that I cry behind. No more though. There's someone out there that I am meant to spend my life with. I know it. It's time to throw down the 'spotted sniper' act. "I quit," I said and started walking away from Monseigneur Welcsh. There's no need to say anything more. He understands what I must do.

However, as I was leaving, Bother Adam walked over to Monseigneur Welcsh. I would love to see the look on Brother Adam's face, but I need to continue my exit. The Monseigneur is laughing even though I just quite. I can't hear him so well right now, but it sounded like he said, "I'm not surprised, all he did was complain for three years." I can't help but laugh myself. All I did when my mouth opened freely was complain.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Author's notes: Yet another challenge faced and beaten. Ah what fun to put characters in a position you would never expect them to be. This short story is actually based on a 'clergical' joke where a man joins a monastery and basically it only focuses on the beginning and once a year parts of the story. The monseigneur's last line is actually the punch line of the joke. Also of note, Brother Adam got his name the same way that Irvine originally go his name. I just used the name of the street outside the building I wrote this in.

As for how it ended, I don't know where that came from. I was going to have Rinoa visit, be annoying, and promise to come back often. Irvine would then quit fearing the next disaster to befall the monastery, but how this ended seemed to tie up the loose strings from the beginning. It seemed right to have Irvine contemplate the whole of the story and his reasons for joining in the first place. When he realized that he was there because he was hiding and not because he felt called to do so made him look like he grew in that time. I think this story turned out fairly well considering that it is the first time I have ever written a story in the perspective of the main character. It was fun though getting inside Irvine's head and making him tick, but a bit tricky at the same time. 

In this story are different cameo concepts that add a little humor. There is a band named here (very easy to find). There is a reference to a brand of beer (easy to find). Hell, there's an FF7 reference in there. Also there are two references to fanfic concepts specific to FF8. One is a reference to a type of controversial romance fanfic category (easy to find), and the other is to a theory that is actually quite convincing (harder to find). Try and see if you can find them.


End file.
